I Can't Live With Myself Today
by Myra109
Summary: Angela wasn't the first girl Ben got pregnant. Miscarriage, non canon character deaths, other warnings inside. AU, part of the We All Have Our Secrets series
1. I Just Came To Talk For A While

_This is the first Baby Daddy fanfiction I've posted, so I hope it's good. Thanks for taking the time to read it._

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing_**

* * *

 _Hey Lucy, I remember your name_

 _I left a dozen roses on your grave today_

 _I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away_

 _I just came to talk for a while_

 _I got some things I need to say_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

* * *

"Hey, Danny, can you watch Emma?" I called as I headed for the door.

"I thought you had work off," he asked from where he was sitting at the table, feeding my baby girl.

"I do," I responded. "I have a few errands to run. I'd bring Emma, but we don't have a stroller yet."

He nodded. "'Kay, bro. See you when you get back."

I nodded and continued to walk out of the apartment.

I pressed the down button on the elevator and took a deep breath as the small buzzing sound vibrated within the wall as the elevator cables groaned.

Ding! The elevator chirped before the doors slid open.

"Hey, Ben," Riley stated as she passed me.

"Hey, Riley. Help Danny with feeding Emma, would you? She's kicking his butt at _here comes the airplane_!" I told her before entering the elevator and hitting the lobby button.

I sighed, shakily, as the elevator began to descend. Riley and Danny didn't notice something was wrong, and I was glad for that; only Emma truly knew that something wasn't right, and that was because she awoke to me sobbing over a picture that morning.

Emma had arrived at the apartment a few days ago, and I shredded the adoption papers yesterday, but Emma was a painful reminder. Don't get me wrong; I love Emma and wouldn't trade her for anything, but she reminded me of the life I could've had. I could've been a husband, a father; I could've had a relatively good job if Fate hasn't stepped in and wrenched it away from me.

I continuously told myself that maybe it was meant to happen; I wouldn't call myself a religious man, but I believed in God and believed that he had a plan for me. That still didn't stop me from being depressed by the mere thought of that day, the day the love of my life and what would've been my pride and joy died.

I shook my head and wiped my teary eyes as I stepped out of the elevator. I weaved between crowds of people as I headed for the florist store on the corner.

I walked into the mostly empty shop and grabbed a bouquet of roses, placing them on the counter and fishing the cash out of my wallet without a word.

"A special lady?" the old man behind the counter asked with a suggestive smile on his face.

I swallowed. "Yeah."

"Hope she appreciates the gesture," he said, handing me the flowers.

"Thank you," I said, flatly. "Have a nice day."

If she were alive, she would appreciate the gesture. And if the rumors are true- that people can truly look down on us from Heaven- she'll appreciate it then, too.

I don't exactly know how the afterlife works. When I was younger and still attended church weekly, my priest told me that in Heaven, there isn't supposed to be any misery or grief or pain, but I can't help but wonder…does she miss me as much as I miss her? Does she even recall her life, or has she forgotten?

I could've called a taxi or taken the bus, but I chose to keep moving my feet, to keep walking. The stroll would clear my head; it wouldn't stop the inevitable breakdown, but hopefully, I could delay it until I was alone.

I was never one to let people see me cry. The only ones who ever have are my family (particularly when I was a young child and maybe once or twice as a teenager), Her, one particular doctor, and Emma. Other than them, no one has ever seen me as anything more than a fun loving, outgoing, funny guy and to everyone else, the idea of me ever being sad is unbelievable.

My sneakers hit the damp dirt as the side walk vanished from beneath me, and I was left walking on a thin strip of grass between a metal fence and a vacant road.

My hands trembled as I grasped the cool, rusty metal beneath my hand and slowly turned it, pulling the tiny rod out of the lock, and I pushed the gate open. It wailed at being opened after so long of remaining closed.

The cemetery was a small one. People didn't visit often because there were only two dozen or so graves, leaving the cemetery devoid of life quite often.

As for myself, I visited a few times a year- specifically, the day they died, her birthday, the day we found out about him, the day her and I met, and whenever I needed to be closer to them. I visited her grave more than her own parents did, and sometimes, we'd cross paths when visiting (particularly the day they died and the day she was born). It was always awkward. They didn't blame me for what happened, but they knew that I blamed myself, and they didn't know what to say to make me _stop_ blaming myself. I didn't know what to say because I was blaming myself and felt they should blame me, too.

The grass crunched under my feet as I wandered through the rows of headstones before finally coming upon a pair of graves that glared at me like eyes.

They were simple graves- two flat, gleaming stones laid on the ground and staring up at me. They were buried beside each other, and I paid the owner of the cemetery to reserve a spot beside them for me when I died. That spot was still vacant, as was the one beside it. I'd probably reserve that for Emma (although, hopefully, her death will be a long way off).

I knelt between the graves and stared at the words on each stone.

 **ELIZABETH LILLIAN SHERIDAN**

 **JUNE 22ND, 1991-NOVEMBER 21ST, 2012**

and...

 **MICHAEL DANIEL SHERIDAN-WHEELER**

There were no dates on his grave. He hadn't taken a breath outside the womb…

We weren't officially married. I proposed to her the same night we discovered our baby was going to be a boy, and we decided to wait until after Michael was born to have our wedding.

I didn't tell anyone, not even Tucker. At the time, I barely stayed in touch with Danny; I hadn't talked to my mother in months. My father was pretty much out of the picture all together. Tucker was working hard to get a job in entertainment and traveled a lot to get more experience in the business. One week, he'd be in Vegas; the next, he'd be in Colorado; the next, he'd be in Maine. Apprenticeships, interviews, even some business classes; sometimes, he'd even have a second job just to pay the bills. He barely settled down long enough to grab a quick cup of coffee, much less have a conversation.

The only ones who knew were Elizabeth's parents, and they treated me like a son. I couldn't possibly be more than grateful for the love and support they showed us during those stressful-yet-wonderful eight months and two and a half weeks.

I rested the roses on her grave and pulled a baby blue teddy bear the size of my hand out of my pocket, gently laying it upon Michael's grave.

"Hey, Beth," I murmured to the stone, wiping away the fallen, crumbling leaves that came with the windy month of August. "I… I don't know if you can hear me, but I had to come. I just came to talk for a while. A lot of things have happened, and… I think you need to know everything that has happened since you died."

I took a deep breath.

"Okay, Beth. Here it goes…" I whisper before beginning my tale.

* * *

 _That was the first chapter. What'd you think of it? Please take the time to hit the review button. Thanks for reading!_


	2. I Just Wanna Hold Her

_Chapter 2!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing_**

* * *

 _Now that it's over_

 _I just wanna hold her_

 _I'd give up all the world to see_

 _That little piece of heaven looking back at me_

 _Now that it's over_

 _I just wanna hold her_

 _I've gotta live with the choices I made_

 _And I can't live with myself today_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

* * *

I met Elizabeth on my way home from the restaurant where I was waiting tables.

I was texting Tucker on my phone (he was currently in Las Vegas) when suddenly, someone rammed into me, causing my coat, which was slung over my shoulder, to flutter to the ground, along with the numerous papers the person was holding.

"I am so sorry," I rushed to say as I knelt down to gather the papers (important looking papers, I might add).

A giggle sounded, and the person- definitely a girl- handed me my jacket.

"No problem. I wasn't looking where I was going either," she said as we stood, and I handed her the papers.

I glanced up from the concrete and finally got a good look at the girl.

She was around my age, which was just under twenty at the time, and had curly hair that fell somewhere between bright red and dark brown; it was a unique shade that intrigued me, as did the rest of her appearance. She was a bit on the pudgy side, but she was far from fat, and she had pale skin covered with freckles. Green eyes peered at me over the edge of her oval shaped, iron rimmed spectacles. She wore a Green day T-shirt and jeans speckled with paint; at first glance, her appearance made her look younger than she was, but upon further inspection, you could see that she was in her twenties, and it was the free spirited aura surrounding her that truly made her seem younger.

"I'm Ben," I greeted, shaking her hand (it was a bit calloused, but it was more like the hand of someone that held onto a pencil often, causing the wood to make their skin feel rougher, than the hands of someone that did a lot of physical labor, like mine when I used to do construction). "Ben Wheeler."

"Elizabeth Sheridan," she responded. "I know you. You work at the little restaurant on the corner, the one that does karaoke and plays old timey music. I go there all the time!"

"That's why you look familiar!" I exclaimed. "You're in there almost everyday. I think I waited your table a few times."

She nodded. "Yeah. I thought you were cute, but I could never tell because you were always running around. Now that I'm getting a better look… I was right."

Ben Wheeler was not one to blush, but I felt my face heat up at her compliment.

"Thanks," I said, trying to force the crimson color to seep back out of my skin. "You're pretty cute, yourself."

If there was one thing I knew about Elizabeth right off the bat, she was not one to beat around the bush. She jotted something down on a notepad and handed it to me.

"Call me some time," she suggested before continuing on her way.

I'm pretty sure I stood there blinking at the wall beside me for ten minutes before my feet decided to move, and I continued walking with a bounce in my step.

Even back then, I was always the one night stand kind of guy, but I could see myself having a relationship with Elizabeth. I'd only truly known her for all of two, maybe three, minutes, but there was something about her, and I found myself wanting to get to know her better.

From the first date, Elizabeth and I hit it off. We would go on multiple dates a week, some of which weren't even _dates_. They were just us getting together, talking, walking, having fun, even something as simple as listening to music on a bench in the park. It wasn't love at first sight or a fairytale love; in my eyes, it was even better. We slept together after nearly two months of dating, and the following day, it wasn't awkward, like one night stands were. Neither of us slipped out before the other awoke; neither of us regretted it. In fact, nothing really changed after that.

Until two weeks later…

I opened and closed my mouth like a fish, and I could feel the fog in my brain slowly starting to clear away as the news set in.

"Pregnant," I repeated. "You're…"

"Pregnant," she reiterated.

That's right. Ben Wheeler got a girl pregnant before Angela.

Most young couples with unplanned pregnancies would've either freaked out, stared at each other awkwardly for another half an hour, or vaguely tried to figure out a plan or a compromise or something, even though the planning stage would seem more like fumbling in the darkness.

Elizabeth and I did the exact opposite of most of those things.

A smile stretched across my face, and Elizabeth joined me with a grin of her own. I lifted her off her feet in an embrace, and we cheered so loudly, the neighbors came over to complain (some neighbors were more lenient when they discovered our reason for cheering while others simply grumbled and tried to put up with it for a few more minutes).

We were young. We had barely begun growing up. Neither of us were incredibly mature; neither of us had well paying jobs or lived in child-safe environments. We weren't what anyone would consider model parents.

Yet. We had nine months to figure everything out. We had nine months to learn how to be good parents, and Elizabeth and I knew we could do it.

I pulled away from Elizabeth and pulled out a notepad (Elizabeth seemed to have an unlimited amount of those). We began jotting down a plan; we were just throwing ideas out there and seeing how well they fit together, but my mother would certainly be proud. You know how she loves to have a plan.

I took Elizabeth's hand and touched my lips against her's. All my life, I'd been confused, irresponsible, acting before I think. I wasn't Danny, who at least knew what to do with his life. I was always the immature one that wouldn't get anywhere in life. My teachers, my ex girlfriends, even my own mother, will agree with that.

But when I was with Elizabeth… for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I could do something _right_.

It was an amazing feeling, but as a wise man once said, all good things must come to an end.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading chapter 2! Hope you're enjoying the story so far._


	3. They Can't Help Me Make Amends

_Chapter 3!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing. The song Ben sings is A Thousand Years and belongs to Christina Perri._**

* * *

 _Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday_

 _They said it'd bring some closure to say your name_

 _I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance_

 _But all I got are these roses to give_

 _And they can't help me make amends_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

* * *

We found out the sex of our baby on Elizabeth's birthday.

"Our beautiful baby boy," I murmured to the ultrasound.

"Our beautiful baby boy," Elizabeth repeated.

The doctor smiled at us. When Elizabeth died, he visited me and told me how he took one look at us and knew we were the perfect couple and would eventually be the perfect parents.

It didn't make much difference to me then. After all, my wife was gone, and my son had gone with her.

I know what you're all thinking. Wife? When did that happen?

It actually happened later that day.

We were sitting at a booth in the restaurant I worked at; it was our favorite restaurant (which seemed kind of odd to me since I worked there, and I thought I'd hate it because I would associate it with work, but I wound associating it with Elizabeth rather than work). I'd asked the cooks to make a special dinner for Elizabeth and to have the karaoke machine up and running for the big event. I told them some of the details, but not the ending. Only I knew that part.

"Now, we have a performance tonight," Carl, one of my fellow waiters, announced. "Ben Wheeler."

I stood and climbed the stage with Elizabeth watching me, curiously.

"I'd like to dedicate this performance to my girlfriend, Elizabeth Sheridan. Happy birthday, Beth," I announced before the music began playing.

I could see tears of happiness in her eyes as I began to sing.

" _Heart beats fast. Colors and promises. How to be brave_ ," I sang.

I slowly descended the stairs, continuing to sing. I took Elizabeth's hand just as the chorus began.

 _"I have died everyday, waiting for you. Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more,_ " I sang.

The song continued as I stared into Elizabeth's beautiful eyes, my hand intertwined with her's. I could feel the eyes of everyone in the restaurant on us- every employee, my grinning boss, every customer- but they didn't really exist to me in that moment. Nothing existed except for me and Elizabeth

" _And all along I believed, I would find you. Time has brought your heart to me, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more,"_ I sang the last verse.

The music stopped, but I sang one last line. It wasn't a part of the end of the song, but it perfectly summed up what I was going to do next.

"One step closer," I sang before handing the microphone to Janie, a waitress.

I stared into Elizabeth's eyes for another heart beat before getting down on one knee. Her hand rose to her mouth in shock and tears came to her eyes.

"Elizabeth Sheridan," I said, holding a ring in the palm of my hand. "Would you do me the honor of being my wife?"

She smiled. "You didn't even have to ask," she told me before we kissed. In the distance, I could hear applause, but the only thing that mattered was our little family.

* * *

"What should we name him?" she asked that night as we laid in bed together, our intertwined hands resting on her slightly protruding stomach.

I sighed. "Let's see… boy names. Andrew?"

We stared at each other before simultaneously shaking our heads. It didn't sound right.

"Samuel?"

Another simultaneous head shake.

"Max… Alex… Luke… Jackson…" I started going through every male name I knew, but none of them seemed right.

Elizabeth took over. "Evan… Jake… Kyle… Brandon…"

We must've gone through a hundred names before I thought of one that made my heart skip a beat, and I knew it was the right one.

"Michael," I said. "Michael Daniel Sheridan-Wheeler."

She grinned at me in the dim moonlight shining through our window.

"It's perfect," she murmured in my ear.

Months passed. I didn't tell anyone about my son or my wife. The only ones who knew were Elizabeth's parents. I wanted to wait to tell Tucker when he returned from wherever he was at now (I could never really keep track of him during those days), and I would tell my family the following Christmas. Michael would be born one, maybe two weeks, before Christmas, so it seemed fitting. I would be able to introduce them to their grandchild or nephew (in Danny's case).

I had an amazing wife that was too wonderful to be described with words. I had a son on the way, and I knew that I'd love him with every fiber of my being. I had a good job with friendly coworkers and a nice, understanding boss. My life was good. Better than good. I was happy.

Until I made the greatest mistake of my life.

* * *

 _Cliffhanger!_

 _Thanks for reading! Bye!_


	4. I Can't Live With Myself Today

_Probably the angsiest chapter, so read at your own risk!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing_**

 ** _WARNINGS: SUICIDE ATTEMPT, BLOOD, MISCARRIAGE, NON CANON CHARACTER DEATH_**

* * *

"Ben Wheeler, you are so conceited!"

It was the first real fight we'd ever had. We'd had arguments, of course, but this was a full out screaming match.

I honestly don't remember how it started or what we were fighting about. All I remember is how it ended up being the biggest mistake of my entire life.

"If you think I'm so conceited, maybe I shouldn't be raising a baby with you," I yelled.

That stopped her in her tracks. Tears filled her eyes, and she stared at me in horror.

"Ben, you don't mean that…"

She was right. I didn't mean it, but that didn't mean I would admit that at the moment when I was filled with so much rage.

I stormed out the door, leaving my eight month pregnant fiancée alone.

* * *

I don't know how long I wandered the streets; it was raining cats and dogs when I stormed out, and by the time I cooled down, it had become a soft drizzle.

It was early in the morning, so other than a few cars and homeless people, the streets were empty. My hood shielded my face, hiding my tears from passerby.

How could she call me conceited after I had given up so much for our family? I worked overtime at the restaurant; sometimes I worked for two days straight (which my boss didn't recommend, and he told me if I didn't go home and get some sleep, he'd be forced to kick me out to have a day off). I had to make enough money to pay the bills, to put food on the table, to purchase baby items. Elizabeth's parents helped, particularly with the rent, but Elizabeth and I still had to make it on our own most of the time. She was a college art student, and I was a kid who barely finished high school (Ben didn't know that he didn't technically get his diploma at this time) and didn't attend college with a job at a small restaurant. I wasn't exactly on the path to becoming rich.

But that didn't matter because I had Elizabeth and soon, I would have Michael.

Without my family, I had nothing. My parents and brother didn't live in New York; Tucker was barely in town; I didn't have many friends other than Tucker either.

I had just walked out on the best thing in my life.

I sighed and turned on my heel to return home.

I couldn't just keep walking. I loved Elizabeth and I would love my child with every beat of my heart. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't make amends with her.

I never got the chance to.

I opened the front door and called, "Beth, I'm really sorry. I was a jerk. Can we talk?"

Nothing.

"Beth!" I repeated, walking into the kitchen.

A horrified scream was torn from my throat when I saw my beautiful, lively soul mate lying on the kitchen floor.

Blood poured out of the area between her legs, soaking her thighs and skirt. Her green eyes were open, but they wandered in confusion and no matter how much I waved my hand in front of her face or shouted her name, she didn't react. She barely blinked.

I was no doctor, but even I knew that she'd lost too much blood. She was going into shock, if she wasn't _in_ shock already.

I didn't hesitate before scooping her off of the floor. I sagged under her weight as I carried my heavily pregnant fiancée out the door and hailed a taxi.

"Drive us to the nearest hospital," I ordered as I slid inside with Elizabeth in my arms.

The taxi driver blinked before turning around and speeding down the street. I vaguely wondered how often he picked up people with medical emergencies. Probably not often, but by the expression on his face, it had happened before.

"Beth," I whimpered, terrified that I may be losing the love of my life and my baby boy.

The tires squealed to a stop outside the emergency room, and I picked Beth up, struggling to carry her through the doors.

"Help!" I cried. "My.. My… help her!"

A doctor took Elizabeth from me and rushed her away on a gurney while a nurse tried to calm me down because hysterical didn't even begin to describe me in that moment.

Ten minutes passed, and my hysteria finally overwhelmed me to the point of making me feel numb. I sat in a chair and stared blankly ahead, awaiting an update on Elizabeth's condition.

"Family of Elizabeth Sheridan?" a doctor said, approaching me.

I nodded. "I'm her fiancé."

"I'm sorry, sir, but your fiancée didn't make it."

I took a deep breath. "What about the baby?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer. I just didn't want to admit it.

"We lost the baby, as well," the doctor told me.

That was when I broke down. I started sobbing, wailing. I couldn't live without Elizabeth, not to mention the child I lost. I grabbed a pen off a nearby desk and jabbed into the collection of veins in my wrist.

Blood gushed down my forearm, and I was rushed into a hospital room, where I was 'saved,' although that wasn't the word that came to my mind at the time. I spent three days with restraints binding me to the bed and constant supervision. I was on suicide watch for three days before I was released into the custody of Elizabeth's parents, who watched out for me for nearly two months.

I couldn't live with myself. I couldn't stop seeing Elizabeth covered in blood on the kitchen floor, all because I stormed out and no one was there to rush her to the hospital.

I stopped going to work and lost my job. I went days without eating or showering or even getting out of bed. I would drink until I forgot my own name; I would sleep around almost nonstop (that was actually how Emma was made, although I didn't find that out until later).

January bled into February, which became March. March turned into June, and June morphed into July.

Tucker moved back to town permanently on July 3rd, and that was when I finally started to get my life back together.

I moved in with Tucker to escape the constant reminders of Elizabeth that came with living with her parents. I stopped drinking so much, although I still slept around quite often (I'm not proud of my coping mechanisms, but I won't deny them either). I got a job at a bar (which ironically helped me stop drinking. I guess being around alcohol so often kind of put me off it for a while). I called my parents and Danny in an attempt to reconnect with them. Danny moved in with me and Tucker, and then Emma came.

My life isn't bad. I love my family, my best friend, and my daughter so much. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

But that doesn't stop me from thinking about the day I made the greatest mistake of my entire life. The day I lost everything because of one mistake.

And after nearly a year without Elizabeth, I still can't live with myself today.

* * *

 _Like I said, angsty chapter. Thanks for reading!_

 _Goodbye, everyone!_


	5. I've Never Wanted Anything So Bad

_Hello, everyone!_

 _This jumps from the present to the future and back._

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing_**

* * *

 _Me and Lucy walking hand in hand_

 _Me and Lucy never wanna end_

 _Just another moment in your eyes_

 _I'll see you in another life_

 _In heaven where we never say goodbye_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

* * *

I want nothing more than to hold her close, to hold her hand in mine. I can almost imagine it- I'll walk through the gates of Heaven, and Elizabeth will be waiting for me with our baby in her arms. I'll take her hand and we'll walk through a perfect world, a world where we never have to say goodbye.

The memories flash before my eyes from the moment we met to the moment we said goodbye.

 _Her hair flips wildly in the wind as she turns her head and laughs. She looks like one of those movie stars in the romance films…_

 _She holds my hand in her's and looks deep into my eyes, her lips curving into a delighted smile…_

 _Our laughter booms off the walls as we spray gallons of paint over each other and throw water balloons full of colorful paints at the huge canvas on the wall. I had never particularly enjoyed painting until that moment…_

 _Her lips touch mine, and I feel myself falling in love all over again…_

 ** _Thump, thump… Thump, thump... thump, thump…_**

 _"That's our baby's heart," Beth murmurs, and I decide that I've never heard a sweeter sound than the drum beating in our baby's chest…_

 _Her sweet voice glides over my ears, and I touch my hand to her protruding stomach, feeling a small amount of force under my hand as the baby kicks…_

The sweet memories turn sour as I remember crying over her casket.

I'd give anything to hear her voice again, to feel her heartbeat next to mine. I want to feel our baby kick and listen to the heart beat on the ultrasound and later, in real life. I want to listen to her breathing as she drifts off to sleep.

But I'll have to wait many more years before I can…

* * *

 _Here we are_

 _Now you're in my arms_

 _I never wanted anything so bad_

 _Here we are_

 _For a brand new start_

 _Living the life that we could've had_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

 **JUMPS TO THE FUTURE**

Ben Wheeler, now sixty-seven years old, smiles up at his beautiful forty-five year old daughter (Emma); his forty year old son (Marcus); his thirty-five year old daughter, Destiny (he had both children with his wife years after Emma was born); and his amazing wife, Elle. He whispers his goodbyes and closes his eyes, thinking how much this scene must resemble one from a movie.

"What took you so long?" a familiar voice laughs, and Ben opens his eyes to see Elizabeth leaning over him, still as young as she was when she died. After examining his skin, he realizes that he is, also, twenty-one years old. It was like no time had passed since they said goodbye…

"Beth," he mumbles before his lips touch her's.

He hugs her, and he sighs at the feeling of her heart beating beneath his chest and loving the way her back and chest rise with each breath. But then he realizes that she's holding something.

Ben pulls away and glances down to see a baby boy in her arms.

"Michael," Ben murmurs before taking the baby in his own arms.

The baby looks a lot like him with a tuft of brown hair on his head, a fleck of yellow in the iris, and the same skin tone. But he has Beth's green eyes and lively aura; his smile is a mix of both of theirs, and Ben is glad because it's an amazing combination to form a wonderful grin.

"He's perfect," Ben mumbles.

"We made him," Elizabeth points out.

"And as long as we're together," Ben states, slipping his hand into Beth's, "we are perfect."

Elizabeth leads him away from the gate Ben woke up in front of and into the wonderful world known as Heaven.

"Now, we never have to say goodbye," she says. "I've been waiting for you."

Ben nods. "Me, too. Just wait until you meet Emma, my daughter. She'll love you."

Elizabeth stops him and careful of the baby in his arms, kisses him passionately.

Ben feels himself falling in love all over again as his soul mate embraces him, and he knows that he wouldn't trade this moment for anything.

* * *

 **BACK IN THE PRESENT**

I can imagine the moment so clearly, but I know that it will be ten times as amazing as anything I can imagine.

Alas… I have many years before I can see her again.

I break down all over again, sobbing over the graves. Tears burns tracks down my face and hit the dirt below me. They dance on the rose petals and trickle over the cool marble of the grave stones.

I tremble and cry and sob to the point of just leaning down, my forehead pressed into the dirt, because I cannot hold myself up any longer.

A hand touches my shoulder, but I barely notice it until an all too familiar voice speaks.

"Ben?"

 _Tucker._

* * *

 _I know it jumps from past tense to present tense. Ben was looking back on that morning as he talks to Elizabeth, so he used past tense in his memories with Elizabeth and to describe that morning. Now that he's finished telling Elizabeth about the year he's had without her, including that morning, it becomes present tense._

 _If that doesn't make sense, don't overthink it. The tense really isn't relevant; I just wanted to explain why it changed from past to present tense._

 _Thanks for reading! Bye! Please leave a review._


	6. The Choices I've Made

_And the secret comes out..._

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing_**

 ** _WARNINGS: BLOOD, MENTIONS OF MISCARRIAGE, NON CANON CHARACTER DEATHS, AND SUICIDE ATTEMPT_**

* * *

 _Now that it's over_

 _I just wanna hold her_

 _I'd give up all the world to see_

 _That little piece of heaven looking back at me_

 _Now that it's over_

 _I just wanna hold her_

 _I've gotta live with the choices I made_

 _And I can't live with myself today_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

* * *

"Tucker," I sniffle, wiping the tears from my face. "How'd you find me?"

"I was in the flower shop and saw you buy those flowers. I'm your best friend, Ben; I could see you were upset, so I followed you," Tucker replies, concern ringing in his voice. "Now, Ben… tell me what's going on. Who are Elizabeth and Michael?"

"Elizabeth… was the love of my life," I tell him, my finger tips grazing the smooth stone, tracing her engraved name, "and Michael was… my son."

Tucker blinks. "Come again?" he asks, puzzled. After all, we were best friends. He probably assumed I would've told him.

"Tucker, when you were traveling a lot, I met a girl," I recall. "We hit it off and fell in love. She was the girl I was going to marry. When she got pregnant, we weren't scared like most young couples would be. We loved each other so much that not even such a big, scary change could throw us off balance."

Tucker stares at me. "What happened?" he asks, hesitantly. He can practically see my fragile mental state through my skull, and he's scared one wrong move will shatter it.

"When she got pregnant, we were so happy. I proposed to her the day we discovered the sex of our baby; we came up with a name, and time went on. We never fought; we were never angry with each other; we had a romance that was even better than one out of a fairytale." More tears burn trails down my cheeks, but I don't even attempt to wipe them away anymore. Any that I wiped away would just be replaced by fresh tears.

"But then, when she was eight months pregnant, we had a fight. A really bad one, the worst we'd ever had. I stormed out and wandered around for hours while I calmed down.

"I realized I was being stupid and returned home to apologize and talk things over with Elizabeth, but when I walked inside…"

 _Blood soaking her clothes… scarlet staining my hands and shirt as I leaned over her, holding her close… her eyes, usually so lively and excited, now dull wandered in a numb kind of confusion…_

"There was so much blood, Tucker… I called her name, but she didn't even acknowledge me."

 _"Stay with me, Beth!" I sobbed, lifting her off the kitchen floor…_

"She was dying in my arms, and I was so worried that the baby wouldn't survive either. The amount of blood between her legs… there was buckets of it, Tucker. I've never seen that much red in my whole life…"

 _"Baby, baby… Beth! Come on! Stay awake, baby!"_

"I got her to the hospital, but Elizabeth and the baby… they both died."

 _"I need you… please, don't leave me."_

"That's why I was so nervous around Emma. I failed my first child, and I was afraid I would fail her, too. The doctor told me if Beth had gotten to the hospital soon enough, the baby and her could've survived without any health problems. The baby would've been born healthy, and Elizabeth would have been fine. But Elizabeth couldn't reach the phone, and I wasn't there for her like I promised I always would be."

"Ben, you can't blame yourself for something like this. You had no way of knowing," Tucker points out.

"Wouldn't you blame yourself, Tuck?" I ask, my eyes fixed on the ground instead of glancing at him. After revealing a secret I'd kept bottled up for so long, I didn't want to have to see his expression. I was already crying, and I was afraid seeing the look on his face might make me break down entirely. Again.

Tucker remains silent. He sees my point there. Even if I had no way of predicting the future, I would always blame myself. After all, I was Elizabeth's husband and Michael's father. My job description was simple: protect them. Never leave them. Love them with every beat of your heart.

I had broken every rule that night. I had left Elizabeth alone and had failed to protect Beth and Michael, resulting in their deaths. My anger clouded my judgment, and therefore, I didn't show the love that I felt.

I'd lost everything because of the choices I'd made.

My thoughts are so loud, I'm sure Tucker can hear them. My suspicions are proven when Tucker wraps his arms around me. We've never been the mushy kind of guys, the ones that hugged it out or even talked it out. We were the kind of people that solved our problems with drinking so much beer, we forgot about it all together.

Tucker doesn't speak. He doesn't even try to understand or relate to my pain or use words to try and make it better. He knows that nothing he can say can take the pain away, so he does the only thing he can do. He stays with me. He doesn't leave me alone. He lets me know that he cares about me just by staying when others would've left. That's the best thing he could've done for me at that moment.

I'm glad Tucker embraces me, though. I really needed a hug after that confession.

I return the embrace, my eyes burning with tears and my throat aching from the sobs I release. Tucker still stays silent, but hearing his heart beat in his chest and feeling his chest rise with each inhale and fall with each exhale is more than enough. It reminds me that I haven't lost everything. Tucker is alive and is always here for me, even in my darkest hour.

The hug makes the pain and grief better, but no amount of embraces can erase the fact that I still had to live with the choices I'd made, the choices that cost me everything…

* * *

 _Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Chapter 7 will be the final chapter!_

 _Thanks for reading! Goodbye, everyone._


	7. I Still Remember Your Name

_The final chapter!_

 ** _Disclaimer: I own nothing_**

* * *

 _Here we are, now you're in my arms_

 _Here we are for a brand new start_

 _Got to live with the choices I've made_

 _And I can't live with myself today_

 _Me and Lucy walking hand in hand (today)_

 _Me and Lucy never wanna end_

 _Got to live with the choices I've made_

 _And I can't live with myself today_

-"Lucy" by Skillet

* * *

I don't know how Tucker managed to talk me into it, but all I do know is that an hour later, I'm sitting in our living room with him at my side, facing my mom, Danny, and Riley, who's holding Emma on her lap.

"So is there a reason you called all of us here because I've got to get to work soon?" Riley states.

"And I've got a hot date," Mom says with a satisfied smile. "Well, more accurately a short, hot fli-"

"Mom!" Danny interrupts, which I'm thankful for. No one here wants to hear about my mom's sex life.

"There is a good reason," Tucker announces. "Ben, whenever you're ready."

I swallow. "Angela isn't the first girl I got pregnant," I tell them, bluntly.

Mom groans. "You have another kid? Somebody get me a banana and a condom!"

"Mrs. Wheeler," Tucker snaps, sounding more serious than I've ever heard him. My mom notices that, too, and frowns.

"What is it?" she asks.

I sigh. "About a year ago, I met a girl named Elizabeth Sheridan. We hit it off immediately. This wasn't a one night stand or a short fling or even the average relationship. She was the love of my life, my soul mate… the one I was going to marry."

Danny stares at me. It's obvious he's surprised that I considered settling down, especially so young. Everyone assumed I'd either never settle down, or I wouldn't settle down until my thirties. Everyone thought I'd be at my wildest in my twenties, and even Emma wouldn't stop me from having a few chaotic days or even a chaotic week. She may slow me down, but she wouldn't stop me.

"Mom still lived in the old house, and I rarely saw her. Danny was still out of state with his other hockey team. I wasn't really in touch with Riley at the time, and Tucker was always traveling, so I didn't really tell anyone about Beth. I didn't really get a chance.

"When she got pregnant, we weren't scared like so many young couples would be. We were ecstatic. That's how much we loved each other. Even a big change like a baby couldn't throw us off balance. As long as we were together, we weren't afraid of the future.

"I proposed to her the night we found out the sex of our baby. It was going to be a boy, and we were going to name him Michael Daniel Wheeler.

"Then when she was eight months pregnant, we had our first, true fight. A full out screaming match. I can't even remember what we were fighting about, but it was bad enough for me to storm out the door.

"I wandered around for hours while I calmed down, and then I realized I was being stupid. I'd just walked out on the best thing in my life, so I turned around and walked back home to apologize.

"I found her lying on the kitchen floor. There was blood everywhere. It was coming from between her legs; something had gone wrong with the baby. She was so confused; I called her name, but she didn't even notice me. She'd gone into shock, and I knew that she was going to die if I didn't get her to the hospital. If our baby wasn't dead already, he was at risk, too.

"I took her to the hospital, but it was too late. I lost both her and the baby…"

"That's why you didn't see or hear from me at all for over six months. I was sent in and out of mental hospitals after suicide attempts and mental breakdowns. I lost my job; I was living at her parents' house.

"When Tucker moved back to town permanently, I moved in with him and tried to get back on my feet. I never told you because I was afraid dragging up the past would… would land me back in the mental hospital."

Silence reigns, and I don't dare lift my head up to see their faces. The sympathy, the shock… telling them was bad enough. Seeing their reactions would be worse.

Arms wrap around me. I expected Mom, but I recognize the strong, thick limbs as Danny's. Soon, I feel another pair of arms engulf me, and I recognize my Mom, followed by a stick thin set that can only belong to Riley. Tucker is the last to join the hug.

Things aren't okay, but… they're better. I'd expected telling everyone would make it all worse, but… it felt good for it to be out there in the open. Maybe bottling up the secret had been the thing hurting me the most, the tiger clawing up my insides. The secret had been the most painful part, not the confession.

I still blame myself. I don't think I'll ever stop. But at least now I have people to be there for me when I start to fall down the rabbit hole. They stop me from hitting rock bottom; they're the branches I grab onto, the smiles that help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe I didn't lose everything the day Beth and Michael died…

* * *

Later that night, I sit on my bed, cradling a picture of Beth, seven months pregnant at the time.

"I'll never forget you, Beth," I murmur, "but that doesn't mean I can't move on."

She would've wanted me to move on with my life, to cherish the life I was given while I still have it. The least I can do is do what she would've wanted.

I smile at Emma, my beautiful daughter, who stares back at me and giggles.

I have so much to live for. Just because Beth and Mike are gone doesn't mean I can't keep living.

"I love you, Emma," I whisper, "and don't worry. Daddy's not going anywhere any time soon."

I left Beth and Michael, which turned out to be a great mistake. I won't leave Emma, too.

That's a promise.

* * *

 ** _"Hey, Lucy, I remember your name" -"Lucy" by Skillet_**

* * *

 _Hope the story was good. This is the first story in the We All Have Our Secrets series. Keep your eye for the other stories in this series, which will be posted in time._

 _Thanks for reading!_


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